Deal or No Deal The Case of Eugene Krabs
by StevenBleumer
Summary: Reno hosts a "Deal or No Deal" game show, and for tonight, a familiar red crab is going against the odds in hopes of getting the famed 2 million gil. Will the contestant get it? How would Reno react to each situation?
1. Prologue: Backstage Chaos

DEAL OR NO DEAL: The Case of Eugene Krabs

DEAL OR NO DEAL: The Case of Eugene Krabs

PROLOGUE

"Yo, Shoujo 26, we betta hurry up our preparations 'cuz da show's gonna begin in uh… 15 to 20 minutes."

Nah, I just love being around with the lovely Shoujo 26 for five nights a week – we are off-air during the cool weekends – watching them retouch their face with some powder (courtesy of Shiva Cosmetics by Miss Tifa Lockhart), put on their thigh-high, sleeveless dresses of pure white – man, I find their shapely legs spectacular (Yo, please, don't think of me as a total pervert guy…).

"_Hai, Reno-kun!" _they – all 26 of them – replied with so much glee.

Yeah, I'm Reno, the guy with the spiky red hair and the royal blue business suit (and the electro-baton from my Shin-Ra days), and you'll get to know me more by later, when the show has begun. And speaking about that, it's always been a busy routine for my fellow staff at the studio. There's our lead director, Cloud Strife with the spiky blond hair, telling us what to do – and he's using Cait Sith's HP Shout megaphone, which made the voice of anyone speaking through it sound like red alert status. Then there's our producer, Barret "da Tough Gunner" Wallace, whom we always see holding a steel cup of coffee on his bionic right arm – the coffee, he claims, makes him calm, thereby pushing him off any potential trouble caused by his big mouth. And then there's the sound director, Cid "da Captain" Highwind, ready to do his groove, Air Gear style! And finally, there's our light director, Vincent "da Zombie-Guy" Valentine. I don't like him being the light director; I mean… it's ironic: with a zombie guy like him doing the lights, he's just right to dance _"Thriller"_. Oh boy, I hate zombies!

Now, I heard that all-too familiar voice again.

"May I have your attention, everybody? This is your director, Cloud Strife, calling each and everyone of you to please go to your respective stations now, as we're about to start the show."

Almost the same line, day after day after day. Oh, anyway, I love being a gameshow host myself, considering the Shoujo 26, then the satellite cameras, then all the audience around the world with eyes glued at their respective flat-screened TVs…

"Reno, we need you right away!" announced Cloud.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot. I'm needed right there, at the middle of the studio. I scampered hurriedly along the hallway - thereby making my leather shoes create the all-familiar-to-me running noise (not runny nose, as the case of one of our Shoujo) – trying to get there as soon as possible.

"I'm comin' over there, yo, Cloud!" I yelled along the hall.


	2. Reno

CHAPTER 1

CHAPTER 1

20 crazy minutes later…

"Let the show begin," I said to myself.

The ten spotlights above me all shone down right at me, followed by a gleeful applause from the audience (wow, man, I'm a superstar…). Then the theme music played on the background – thanks, Captain – which I immediately followed up by a snap of my fingers as I faced my eager audience.

Then, as my custom every night here, I began my introduction of myself to everyone: in this studio, all of Japan, the whole world over via Shin-Ra Satellite Services.

"Good evenin', everyone! Once again, people, I'm your host, the one an' only Reno of the Turks. Tonight, will our contestant be able to bring home the much-longed-for 2 million gil? Let's find out on tonight's episode of…"

I raised my two thumbs up - the "Deal" gesture, _"DEAL…"_ - and then I swiped my two arms sideward, both palms facing down – the "No Deal" gesture, _"… or NO DEAL!"_

As I always expect, those audience are up giving the show a lot of cool grooviness.

I snapped my fingers once again, and then I continued my speech.

"Yo, people of Japan and of the world, let's see who our lucky contestant is for tonight!" With that, I faced the plasma screen behind me.


	3. I Like Money!

CHAPTER 2

CHAPTER 2

The plasma board immediately showed the interview footage of our contestant. I always hoped it's someone like Emily Rochefort or anyone that's interesting; to my shock, the contestant isn't female – not even a human.

"Ar, I like money! I like Krabby Patties!" the creature said. He has a red exoskeleton – as shown by the video – making me assume that he is a crab (because of that "Krabby Patty" or something).

"Hello, everybody!" it said in a rather crusty tone. "I am Eugene Krabs, current manager of the Krusty Krab…"

_So this crab's a "he", _I thought.

"… and I am going to play this game called 'Deal or No Deal' to be able to provide more job opportunities for my fellow sea creatures, thereby opening possibilities of having more branches of the Krusty Krab! Ar ar ar ar!"

Yeah, his crabby laugh sure made me laugh myself, yet I felt something crazy as I, together with our eager audience, continued our snickering over his accent: I doubt if his intentions are true, because as revealed by the personal data files given to me by our boss Tseng – who volunteered to be the psychological aide of our contestants-would-be – he has a deep obsession over money; a single penny falling down the sewers is like the end of the world for him. Maybe we could _at least _help him over his dilemma.

Well, I thought his crabby speech was over; I could have thought of it sooner.

"Plus, if I do manage to have more Krusty Krab branches built all over the seabed, I'll be able to bring down Plankton and his one-eyed minions – even if they invoke the aid of Emerald WEAPON! Ar ar ar ar!"

The audience roared with laughter once more; I didn't because I heard Emerald WEAPON's name being uttered. Not that I'm overreacting, but I know that the WEAPONS should be given some respect; whosoever makes them a laughing matter might push up wilted daisies in no time.

Then I heard a voice from one of the audience; I turned to see who it was: Steve, our regular audience, with his khaki slacks, brown shoes, and his trademark green-striped shirt. He can't speak clearly because he lost almost all his voice from that outrageous laughter.

Despite that, I managed to decipher what he was saying to his blue puppy named, of course, Blue.

"Blue, please ask Mr. Salt and Mrs. Pepper if they have some lozenges in our fridge…"


	4. Happy People

CHAPTER 3

CHAPTER 3

Here I go again, with my usual introduction of our contestant. For the past three months that we've been on air, we had a whole lot of variety of contestants, from the "almighty" Gill to a hip-hoppin' Zack to a suave Lee Chaolan to… the list goes on and on (we're even expecting US President Roy Bromwell – who sounds a lot like Chaolan – himself to play anytime soon…). And now, I'm going to introduce to them this… crab? Uh, anyway, it's my job, gotta control myself.

"Yo, everyone, let's all welcome tonight's contestant: Mister _Eugene…_"

Captain simply loves doing it: the drum roll; he does it like a drummer of the Mongolian Chop Squad.

"…Krabs!!" I finally said. And as usual, the happy audience – I even suggested that we change our background music into _"Happy People"_, which was obviously rejected by that spiky blond Cloud.

After some applause and background music, there, at the entrance, was Eugene Krabs himself, wearing a blue collared shirt and a pair of navy blue denim shorts. He went beside my podium and offered me a hand… er… clawshake.

I wanted to know more about this guy, so I asked him as soon as I gave him his share of human handshake (ow, man, his claw hurts a lot!).

"So you're the current manager of the Krusty Krab, right? Could you please tell us the secret of your fast-food chain's success? And also, could you tell us where to find the Krusty Krab, which you said was underwater?"

Eugene replied immediately at my question. "Ar, Mister Reno, you could never tell the reason why. The secret to the Krusty Krab's success is our super-confidential recipe for our famous, fabulous Krabby Patty."

He clapped his right claw a bit, and then he answered my second question. "And since you asked about the whereabouts of our restaurant, I'll tell ya; we are located in Bikini Bottom, just somewhere underneath Hawaii. Ar ar ar ar!"

That crabby laughter of his again; man, I just can't take it anymore. I can forgive the audience, but this crab? Argh, I doubt it!

"Underwater you say, eh?" I said. "Too bad an ex-SOLDIER named Cloud sank my lovely red submarine, wreckin' it to jigsaw pieces."

That was meant as an unintentional joke, and by the looks of it, I noticed that Cloud did, as usual, his "I dunno" gesture as I heard the audience laugh out even harder.

_It's time, _I thought.

I turned towards the group of 26 tables to my right, pointing my index towards that direction, as I said one of the show's taglines.

"All right! Yo, Shoujo 26, bring down the briefcases!"

The music, the earth-shakin' applause… I can feel it! There, before my eyes – and the eyes of all the audience around the world – I saw the 26 lovely gals descend the stairs like it was Miss Universe, bringing their briefcases along. Then that special pose – right arms extended with indexes pointed towards the camera a la Jaden Yuki's "get your game on" gesture – came before they finally placed their cases on top of their respective podiums.


	5. Dita Liebely

CHAPTER 4

CHAPTER 4

"So what's your briefcase number, Eugene?" I asked.

Eugene then began thinking about his crucial decision. Crucial, as in that briefcase shall determine his game's destiny.

After a few seconds of eeny-meeny-miney-moeing, he has finally decided. With a claw in the air, he said spiritedly, "Ar, I choose briefcase number 24!"

Number 24… I glanced towards the Shoujo 26, searching for tonight's 24th Shoujo. There, I found out, Shoujo #24 is no other than the legendary Vandread pilot, Miss Dita Liebely. I can't be mistaken: the long, red-tinted hair tied into two still-long pigtails, the innocent blue eyes, the love for Hibiki Tokai… hey, why did I just mention that? I'm only making myself upset out of mere jealousy. C'mon, Reno, calm yourself down; it's only Dita Liebely.

As soon as I got control of myself, I said those words…

"Number 24! Yo, Dita, bring down your briefcase!"

Dita gracefully went down the steps, towards me and Eugene, with the briefcase in hand. The spotlights that focused on her seemed to radiate her uplifting smile all the more.

Upon reaching our podium, she placed her briefcase above it. Then, staring at me with her lovely blue eyes, she asked me in her sweet child-like voice, "Sir Reno, when shall we visit the town of Bikini Bottom?"

To which Eugene immediately replied, without me _and_ Dita's knowing, "Ar, human girl, you could come visit us anytime… as long as you have money!"

Money? So boss Tseng's right: he's one money-obsessed crab.

"Yo, Eugene, you're not the one being asked, okay?" I said out of impulse. I thought he'll get as mad as a great white shark; he simply laughed it off – that "Ar ar ar ar" laugh once again – which made everyone cheering twice more than usual. As for me and Dita, we just laughed along.

After the guffaws galore, I then explained the rules to Eugene. "Eugene, this briefcase here may contain as high as 2 million gil – enough money to start a Chocobo-raising business – or as low as one gil – can't even buy a single potion with it. So, are you ready?"

"Ar, Reno, I'm ready-freddy!" Eugene said in excitement.

"Good luck, Eugene!" Dita said with a sweet smile.

"Well then, Eugene," I said. "…choose your first six briefcases!"


	6. The Six Shoujo

CHAPTER 5

All right, baby, I love this part of the game, where the contestant chooses which briefcases to open. Obviously, I love seeing how would Eugene react to the amounts inside the cases! Anyway, let's begin the process.

Eugene showed his gleaming white grin as he surely said his choice.

"Ar, I choose briefcase number 11!"

Shoujo #11… ah, a good choice! She's my favorite Shoujo, no other than Miss Risa Harada. And tonight, she flashed that smile – the one she used to give to Daisuke (who happened to have nearly the same hair as I do!) – giving a sense of optimism to our contestant.

I said my favorite line…

"_Number 11! Risa! Open the briefcase!!"_

She still had on that angelic smile as she began unlocking her briefcase. Then, finally, she opened it for the entire world to see: 300 gil, or about six Phoenix Downs.

"300 gil! Not bad, yo, Eugene!" I said to our crustacean contestant.

Although I was looking towards Eugene as I said those words, my ears received a silent message from Risa…

"Sir Reno, you remind me very much of Niwa-kun!"

Nah, I hate being compared with that Daisuke! This hair of mine doesn't make me that guy! Anyway, I still have a game to continue.

"Okay, Eugene, your next briefcase, yo!" I said.

Our contestant's still very sure of his choice. "Ar, I choose briefcase number 15!" he immediately said with enthusiasm.

Okay, Shoujo #15… not bad, not bad! It's Miss Linna Yamazaki of the Knight Sabers, whose athleticism (and her face that looks a lot like the legendary Chai Xianghua) livens my every single day.

Enough of my nonsense; I just said those words again…

"_Number 15! Linna! Open the briefcase!!"_

And since she's a Knight Saber, I expected that her casual smile's going to be "electromagnetic" – attractive to a lot of audience around the world, male and female alike. All of us were glued to her smile that we didn't notice that she's finally opened her case. Only when my eyes lined towards the written amount – a good 750 gil – did I come back to my own consciousness.

"750 gil! Yo, Eugene, you're doin' fine!" I said, although my eyes are still focused towards Linna. Yeah, I told you, she's one electromagnet!

I managed to move my focus from Linna to the game itself; I once again told Eugene what to do.

"Yo, please choose your next briefcase!"

Because of the good pace of our game, Eugene still was very excited when he said his choice, "Ar, briefcase number 25!"

Shoujo #25… oh my, it's her, the legendary priestess of Suzaku, Miss Miaka Yuki. I like the two puffballs on her hair – which for some reason, I often mistake for a pair of Kuriboh – and her seemingly Chinese-Japanese visage. She's so lovely, indeed…

Once again, I said those words…

"_Number 25! Miaka! Open the briefcase!!"_

Miaka gave out a smile that's distinctly Chinese-Japanese (man, isn't she cute?) as she opened her case in a way quite similar to summoning the Red Phoenix. What happened was that her smile ended up like… a Pandora's Box?

"300,000 gil!" I said. Now that's what I call unpredictable, and that's what Eugene could possibly call "shocking".

Ironically, Eugene simply laughed off the matter.

"300,000 gil! Such a puny amount!" he said.

Man, I just don't understand this crab guy! I don't know if what he's doin' is optimism or just plain ignorance of the situation. Anyway, I gotta stay focused.

"So, Eugene, your next briefcase, please!"

Even though he's still laughing over it, Eugene can't conceal the fact that he's actually down-spirited from that choice he made. Somehow, he still had some energy when he chose his next case.

"Ar, I choose number 2!"

Ah, Shoujo #2… Miss Kagome Higurashi? I don't know how to describe her, except that she has the same look of a certain Kikyo…

Anyway, people, back to the show!

"_Number 2! Kagome! Open the briefcase!!"_

Kagome opened her briefcase the way the other three did earlier: naturally as possible. And then, as she opened it for me and Eugene and the world to see, I myself am glad to find only 25 gil inside. I mean, 25 gil's enough for a decent health potion.

"25 gil! Now, you're playin' well, yo, Eugene!" I said.

He immediately returned the favor. "Ar, Reno, thanks for the money… er… praises! Ar ar ar ar!"

And once again, the audience went wild laughing out loud – except for Vincent "da Zombie-Guy", who merely shrugged it off with his cold expression (I told ya, he's perfect for _Thriller_!).

Eugene didn't wait for my signal; he began choosing a briefcase by himself – which actually was good. "Ar, number 5, no no no…" he said. After a few seconds of pondering, he finally exclaimed out loud, "Ar, number 9!"

Shoujo #9, eh? Let's see… yellow ribbon, long black hair, some bright circles on her irises… that's it! It's Miss Ruriko Ikusawa of A.E.G.I.S., and those so-called "gate" made her eyes shine all the better. Even our director Cloud – whom she refers to as "Captain Shun", after a particular guy who she claims to have the same voice as him – respects her a lot, even providing her free nasal decongestant pills whenever her "Rurippe days" attack her.

I think I'm straying a lot; back to the show.

"_Number 9! Ruriko! Open the gate!!"_

Wait! Wait! Take two! The audience gave me a round of applause and laughter. Eh, please forgive them!

Take two!

"_Number 9! Ruriko! Open the briefcase!!"_

Now I did it properly – hurray! And, so to say, Ruriko kept her glowing eyes on me and Eugene as she opened her case. I love her eyes…

Regarding the briefcase, it shone like a ray of hope.

"5 gil! Now, you're turnin' the table to your favor, yo, Eugene!" I excitedly said to him. And he, Eugene himself, was so energized hat he immediately said his decision.

"Ar, I have chosen briefcase number 14!"

Shoujo #14… now, I must say she's a fan favorite among some guys out there. To tell you, Miss Anko Uehara sure might look like she's going to swallow a guy whole, but from experience, she's somehow a lovable girl – only she's misunderstood often.

Wait! I'm getting too emotional here. Let's get back to the game, shall we?

"_Number 14! Anko! Open the briefcase!!"_

I simply love the way Anko smiles as she opens her case. I hope Noboru's always watching her on television.

"75 gil!" I said.

"Hurray!" Eugene said.

The audience howled with enthusiasm as they cheered for our contestant. I knew he deserves such groovy treatment.

Six briefcases opened… that only means one thing…

_The banker…_

My Rukia R70 digital mobile phone rang like those classic phones from the time of Graham Bell– for me, it sounded cool_ –_ accompanied by that suspenseful round of music from Cid's audio. Those two combinations made me do what I must do: answer the phone; I picked it up from my podium, flipped it open, and talked through it.

Hope this doesn't spell trouble for me.


	7. Rude

CHAPTER 6

CHAPTER 6

The voice is very, very familiar to me. That deep voice; I know that the "banker" is another one of us Turks.

"May I speak to Dita, please?" he asked.

"Yo, banker, I know you're anxious about talkin' to our lovely Miss Liebely, but I guess you betta' do that after the show!" Man, he's such a gentleman, but he is such at the wrong time often. Talkin' with a Shoujo in the middle of the show? Well, it depends on what topic they're gonna be into.

I gave the phone to Dita; she got it and talked to the banker.

"Uh, banker, is that you?" she said. After a few milliseconds…

"Why would you like to talk to me, mister banker?"

About five more seconds…

"Oh, how rude you are, you rude silhouette behind the windows! Talking about our bikini bottom's one big no-no!"

By what Dita just said, I knew what that bald-headed banker's up to… although I don't wanna talk about it. Honestly, if I was a woman, I'll go climb towards his private box and we'll wage an all-out debate… wait, what am I talking about, anyway?

I was so out of patience that I grabbed back my phone from a shocked Dita and talked like crazy onto it.

"Yo, banker, please tell us what's the frickin' offer ya have over there, you with the shiny bald head!"

"Hey, hey, Reno, calm yourself down, man!"

"The offer, man, the frickin' offer!"

"Okay, okay, yo Reno, here's the frickin' offer! 20,000 gil! That's all, man!"

I knew that baldhead can't talk back when I'm outta control. "Thanks for the offer, yo, banker!" I said.

""Until later, Reno!" he said.

I pressed the "End Call" button on my phone to end the crazy conversation. Whew, that was hectic! Now, back to Eugene…

I finally announced the banker's offer – "20,000 gil, yo!" – which made Eugene a lot more eager.

Dita opened the button hatch for me as I explained to our contestant what to do. "Here, Eugene, press that button to get the banker's offer. Say 'No Deal', and we continue the game." As he decided on what he should do, I and Dita then said those lines…

"Eugene, _is it a deal… or no deal?"_ With matching gestures of course.

Like I always expect, everyone in the audience jeered only one choice – _"NO DEAL!!" _– with their voice filling the studio's atmosphere. I feel it, too: the more those people jeer at you, the harder it is to decide, especially during the final parts of the game.

Ironically, I also feel the groove of jeering, yet as a host, I must be a supportive guy, and so I just grinned.

Eventually, Eugene closed the button hatch with a huge grin as he said out loud, _"NO DEAL!!"_

It's very expected: my first inquiry to deal or not to deal always ends up with a "no deal" (no one's insane enough to "deal" at the very first round, it seems). Therefore, I always consider the second round – this time five cases to be opened – to be the _real _beginning of excitement in this game, not to mention a contestant's reaction with regards to the contents of the case he or she chooses to open…

Anyway, back to tonight's game, I noticed that Eugene's kind of very eager to open his first of the five cases; he immediately said his choice of number, without even waiting for my go.

"Ar, number 18, please!" he said with a grin. A shiny white grin. A very eager grin.

Well, I think Eugene will be rigidly grinning like that for a few minutes, to keep the spirit of suspense alive and kicking.

And so, as for Shoujo #18, I'll keep her – and the audience – waiting for a while. The other Shoujo: let them talk to each other for some time, shall we?

"We shall open that briefcase when 'Deal or No Deal' returns!" I said facing the cameras as I did the necessary gestures – the two thumbs up and the sideward arm swipes. Naturally, the audience gladly clapped along with Eugene and all the remaining members of the Shoujo 26.

Oh well, commercial break, yo, people. Relax and enjoy.


	8. Interlude: Infinite Energy

INTERLUDE 1

INTERLUDE 1

A hand dunks hard a basketball into the ring, creating a loud bang.

Hanamichi Sakuragi, power forward of the Shohoku Team, is seen dashing swiftly towards the ring, doing series of crossovers along the way until he was in range. There, he jumped high, basketball in hand, and with force he drove it right through the hoop. The impact between his hand and the ring sent beads of sweat outward, away from him.

Another hand, using a racket, smashes an incoming tennis ball, producing a clearly audible crack.

Seigaku's top player Ryoma Echizen, while on his toes, observed the tennis ball that was rocketing towards him. As soon as it was in range, he executed a powerful smash that sent the ball straight to the ground like a speeding bullet. The force he used to do the smash sent, again, beads of sweat trickling down his arms and onto the racket.

A leg kicks a soccer ball forcefully that it flies like a rocket through the air.

Kyosuke Kanou dashes along the field in hopes of getting the chance of hitting the oncoming soccer ball. He positioned himself, and after a good five seconds, he executed a 360-degree somersault kick, sending the ball into the goal net. Yet again, as he executed his somersault kick, beads of sweat flew into the clear summer sky.

The screen then fades to blue, adorned with multiple beads of water. Then, four blue thunder streaks converged into the center of the screen, and from within that convergence, a full 50ml bottle of Mugenergy sports drink materialized. The drink was obviously cold, as revealed by the icy beads stuck on the surface of the bottle.

A voice, presumably of Haruko Takenori's, began speaking.

"Mugenergy, the sports drink of the new generation. Complete with necessary carbohydrates and electrolytes to keep you surging longer and stronger!"

The three athletes from earlier are now shown alongside each other, with each one of them gulping down the contents of their respective Mugenergy bottles. When their bottles ran out of the fluid, they, altogether, raised those in the air, yelling out with burning vigor…

"_Mugenergy!!"_


	9. Interlude: Gordon's Roasters

INTERLUDE 2

INTERLUDE 2

A Black Mesa scientist (who looks a lot like Einstein) says in delight, "That definitely tastes wonderful!"

A stream of thick honey sauce was flowing down a fresh roast headcrab, it being filled inside with a succulent variety of corn kernels, green peas, and carrot cubes. Along the sides were garnishes consisting of expertly-arranged flower-shaped tomatoes and celery leaves.

A voice, possibly from Dr. Gordon Freeman himself, began speaking.

"Welcome to Gordon's Roasters! Headcrabs roasted to perfection, filled with vegetables inside for a satisfying meal for family or for friends!"

The scientist from earlier is seen enjoying his headcrab meal alongside three other Black Mesa scientists, all of them conversing with each other about the meal being outright flavorful. They were busy talking and eating when suddenly, they hear some loud alienic shrieking from behind them.

"Let's see what that is!" said one of them.

They all turned around to see what it was, and to their horror, they saw four headcrabs, poised to latch onto their heads.

Suddenly, the scientists thought of an idea.

Immediately, they picked up their dining forks and raised them into the air, poised to strike the headrcabs. Then, all four of them said in chorus…

"ATTACK!"

Needless to say, there was a reversal of fortune: the headcrabs were the ones fleeing from the eager scientists.

Dr. Freeman's voice spoke once again.

"Gordon's Roasters! What a meal! What a deal!"


	10. Fabulous Five

CHAPTER 7

CHAPTER 7

"Welcome back to the show, yo, people!" I said when we came on-air once again.

We've left with Eugene choosing briefcase number 18 earlier, right? Well, Shoujo #18, Miss Rukia Kuchiki – or "Cute-cheeky", as she's known by some fans – was anticipating her turn from the very start of the show. And I admit that even though she's a _gigai _– artificial body – right now, she's so human with her natural "cute-cheekiness".

Nah, I don't want to spark an argument with a certain Renji Abarai (who has the same wild red hair as me, doh!), and so let's move into opening that pending briefcase.

"_Number 18! Rukia! Open the briefcase!!"_

Rukia opened her case the same way Rurippe, er, Ruriko opened hers earlier: eyes focused on me and Eugene. Upon finally revealing the contents of her case – nifty 1000 gil – I was struck like it was her big bro's _Senbonzakura Kageyoshi_.

"1000 gil!" I said with energy.

"Yipee!" Eugene said.

Rukia sweetly closed her eyes as she left the studio. I hope she's doing fine with his big bro Byakuya.

And Eugene, as soon as "Cute-cheeky" was out of sight, said his next choice.

"Okey-dokey, I choose number 26!" he said.

Shoujo #26… oh my! I'm face-to-face with the ever-popular Miss Sora Naegino of Kaleido Stage. Nothing really bad between us – I admire her beauty, her poise, her agility, her legs… wait, Reno, don't ever look at those girls' lovely legs, argh! Well, nothing much, except that… anyway, let's get it on.

"_Number 26! Sora! Open the briefcase!!"_

She's the Shoujo who almost always replies back in a whisper whenever I tell her to open her case, although I just plain hate it whenever she says those words in front of the camera.

"My pleasure, Sir Kalos!"

Argh, why does she call me like that? Kalos' hair is not as funky and as hip as mine. Is it because we were both voiced by the same _seiyuu_ – voice actor – named Keiji Fujiwara? I really wonder why.

I wondered too much that I didn't immediately notice Sora's opened briefcase. Anyway, let's continue, people!

"Ow, Eugene! Five-hundred thousand gil, yo!" I said.

At that moment, Eugene went crying like a child, spewing out a fountain of tears from his protruding eyes. To comfort him, Dita went into action, patting his back as she sang an uplifting li'l tune – _Happy People_, I guess. I hope Hibiki Tokai isn't jealous.

As soon as this "little commotion" was over – with Eugene back to his grinning self again – I said those few words…

"Okay, Eugene, please choose your next briefcase."

"Ar, I choose number 3!" he said immediately.

Shoujo #3… ah, the fit and young Miss Asuka Langley Soryu is comparable to the engine of an F-1 racer: energetic as ever. And she often has a touch of irony, as with tonight. Right now, her face is as sour as Byakuya's.

"_Number 3! Asuka! Open the briefcase!!"_

Like I said, she can be ironic sometimes, just like right now. Her sour face shifted into a bright visage, radiating out her energetic smile a la Gin Ichimaru as she opened her case.

"Fifty gil, yo, Eugene!" I exclaimed loudly.

And with that, the audience roared with thundering applause. Wow, Asuka sure gives people a little buzz almost every night!

Back to me and Eugene…

"Yo, Eugene, please choose your next case!" I said.

"Okey-dokey… number 5!" he said.

Shoujo #5… pink hair, pink flower-hairpin, pinkish cheeks… ah, our dearest Miss Milfeulle Sakuraba! So cute is her pink motif that oftentimes I mistake her for the strawberry cakes she loved baking.

Ah, strawberry sponge cake… let's open the box, er, case, shall we?

"_Number 5! Milfeulle! Open the briefcase!!"_

Milfeulle treated her case the way she would handle her own cakes; she delicately unlocked the two hatches, and afterwards, she opened it slowly for a grand surprise…

"Ten gil, yo, Eugene!" I exclaimed.

"Ar ar ar ar…" he laughed once again, making the audience lively once more.

Milfeulle just gave a _"kawaii desu ne"_ smile and gesture – the "V" gesture, which is exactly what the Americans call the "peace" symbol – before leaving on full bloom. She's such a bed of carnation flowers…

Eugene, meanwhile, ended up gasping for oxygen – all I thought crabs don't have lungs… yeah, they indeed don't have lungs like higher creatures (including us humans) do. So much for that annoying laugh!

As soon as he got enough air, Eugene chose his last case for this round.

"Ar, I choose briefcase number 7!"

Now this is gonna be hip! Shoujo #7… black, short, straight hair matched with a somewhat babyface. Yeah, it's her! The "dancing Shoujo", as Cloud calls her, Miss Anzu Mazaki – Tea Gardner, as she's known in Europe and the US – sure turns every game into an all-out party. All that's left is for her to have a world tour when time presents itself, dancing her version of _"September" _together with Yugi and comrades.

Let's make this one a great party, yo, people!

"_Number 7! Anzu! Open the briefcase!!"_

I don't know what to say, but Anzu opened the case the way she would open one full of ultra-rare cards – like Dark Magician, Blue-Eyes White Dragon, Red-Eyes Black Dragon, the five pieces of the unstoppable Exodia… (Lo and behold the great cards!)

Well, I think the Blue-Eyes White Dragon has just been released from its shackles.

"Two-hundred thousand gil…" I said.

I think Eugene's not afraid of facing this awesome dragon when the creature presents itself. So is with the contents of this case; he must be determined to have the ultimate prize.

"Ar," he said. "… but it's still one teeny-weeny amount for me! Ar ar ar ar!"

Oh no, not again! My Rukia R70 digital mobile phone rang once more as music from Cid's audio accompanied the classical sound. Those two combinations made me do, once again, what I must do: answer the phone; I picked it up from my podium, flipped it open, and talked through it. Nah, I gotta talk to the bald-headed banker for the second time tonight.


	11. Princess in Action

CHAPTER 8

CHAPTER 8

"Yo, banker, Reno on the line!" I said as soon as our lines have been established. Ah, technology rocks, I must say!

"Now, don't worry too much, Reno!" he said in a semi-undertone. "I'm not after some crazy pun this time."

Yeah, yeah, after that entire "bikini bottom" pun with Dita earlier, how wouldn't I worry? I have high regards for women – even though I am a voyeur on rare occasions, which mostly happen during our monthly trip to the local _onsen_ (hot spring) somewhere around Beppu. I still remember that fateful day – a day after the Lee Chaolan episode – when the entire Shoujo 26, wrapped only with their silky white towels, began screaming out loud as they threw those pumice pebbles upon me like they were Red Sox pitchers. Result: a storm of foul words from "Tough Gun" Barret himself.

Back to our conversation, I asked the baldhead banker in a cautious tone.

"Yeah, I know, ya with da shiny bald head! Now, is there anything else you wanna say – aside from the offer, of course?"

"Indeed, I have a favor to ask ya, Reno," he said.

"Okay, what's it?"

"Please tell Anko to call up this guy named Noboru Yoshikawa as soon as the show ends. He sounds like he has some great news to tell his girlfriend, I suppose."

Great news? Like Noboru's just won a free ticket to the fifth Tekken Iron Fist Tournament? If that's so, I'd like to see Lee do his kick-butt combos against that crispy hot Jinpachi Mishima, in case he manages to enter the finals.

Well, forget it! Listening to upbeat J-pop music is a whole lot better – how 'bout _"Just Communication"_, yo people? Yo, anyway, let's just go back to the offer.

"No problem, yo banker! Now that it's been said, what will be your offer, man?" I asked him.

"Since Mister Krabs has played poorly in this round, I shall offer him… yes, I'll offer him 7,400 gil, no more, no less!" he replied.

I didn't have to push the "End Call" on my phone; the banker cut the conversation himself. I guess he's preparing for round three.

Dita once again opened the hatch for me as I announced the offer – "7,400 gil, yo, Eugene!" Quite expectedly, Eugene's face turned into a frown, a frown that's definitely worse than Byakuya's oh so serious facial expression.

Steam literally blew off steam from his red head as he said unsteadily, with glowing eyes, "7,400 gil? I won't allow that! Why doesn't he give me five million gil instead?"

Five million gil? No way would our wise banker do that silly thing!

By the looks of things, I guess I don't have much choice…

I did what first entered into my mind: I picked up my phone and dialed Anko's mobile number.

There was a single ring, and then, it's her.

"Oh, it's you, Reno-_san_!" said Anko in her most snobbish tone yet. Nah, I guess that's why she's often misunderstood.

"Yeah, Anko, it's me! I wonder if I could ask ya a favor." I asked in the most polite way I could.

"Why, yes, of course, Reno-_san_! Well, what is it, anyway?"

"Could you please come here at the studio for a while? I guess I'll need your adrenaline rush on this situation."

Anko answered with utmost certainty. "Certainly, Reno-_san_! I once beat up my boyfriend Noboru, so whoever you wanna beat up, let me do it!"

The conversation ended with a simple bleep; I put down my phone upon my podium. Now, I wonder what's gonna happen next.

From the Shoujo 26's staircase, there appeared, once again, Miss Anko Uehara, now in a casual outfit: cottony yellow blouse, white miniskirt, and a pair of yellow Chuck Taylor shoes. What didn't seem to change, though, are her signature hairstyle and her snobbish facial expression.

And, oh, she had a white cloth wrapped around her right hand.

She walked down the staircase, all the way towards us.

As soon as she stopped walking, Anko, with the wrapped hand on her waist, looked towards my eyes with conceit.

"So, what am I to do, Reno-_san_?" she asked with a sarcastic smile on her lips.

That question I replied to immediately. "I know you're good at beating up guys into pulp, so I thought you might help in giving our steaming contestant Eugene right here a thousand slaps a la Yuri Sakazaki."

"No problem, Reno-_san_!" she said.

"Please be careful with what you're going to do to Krabs-san, Anko-chan!" Dita said with worry in her eyes.

"Such a childish request…" Anko said in return.

She then proceeded towards Eugene, staring at him with her own threatening eyes.

Then, finally, with her wrapped hand in the air, she yelled something.

"Will you get hold of yourself, you red crab?"

Anko followed up with a series of slaps at Eugene's face; if it – his face – weren't red, we could have witnessed how it turned deeply red from the relentless flurry of blows from Miss Uehara's hand.

When the assault finally stopped, Anko walked away as if nothing had happened. As for Eugene, he's no longer as red as a pressure cooker.

And Dita? She's thankful that our contestant's back in his sanity.

Now that Eugene's himself again, I said those words…

"Press that button to get the banker's offer. Say 'No Deal', and we continue the game." And once again, Dita and I said the famous tagline – of course with the gestures…

"Eugene, _is it a deal… or no deal?"_

And once again, everyone in the audience jeered, this time split into two groups: those who are shouting out _"DEAL" _and those who are screaming out _"NO DEAL!!"_ Sounds like an all-out political rally down here, definitely!

Even though Eugene's himself, he still would not accept "such a measly offer". And so, he closed the hatch as he said, _"NO DEAL!!"_

Let's move on to round three, yo! Or… perhaps we should introduce some guests first.


	12. Krusty Krew

CHAPTER 9

CHAPTER 9

"Alright, Eugene, you've brought three of your underwater friends here, did ya?" I curiously asked the now grinning crab.

Indeed, Eugene had brought along some friends all the way here in the studio. And these three creatures are a whole lot weirder than the red crab himself… ugh, I just feel sick tonight.

I first noticed that yellow porous-lookin' creature – who, to me, looks like a frickin' kitchen sponge – in a matching pair of square pants. Wow, is there any grease invasion tonight? Where's the dishwashing soap, by the way?

Uh, anyway, let's get this straight… literally.

"Yo, little, uh… sponge, please introduce yourself and your two other friends to us." I said to him.

The sponge didn't hesitate; he stood up, gave a mock salute and said, "Aye, aye, sir! My name's Spongebob Squarepants, and I am the best fry cook under the seven seas! Daa! Daa! Daa!"

Here's one conclusion I'll give: if Eugene's laugh is already hurting my eardrums – and enlivening the audience – then Spongebob's (or should I simply call him "Bob?") chuckling is going to shatter even my cochlea into pieces. Curses, these creatures sure are ear-breakers!

Next to introduce himself was this dumb-looking pink chubby creature that looks like a star of sorts. He stood up, raised his right arm into the air – as if we're all taking an oath - and said simply…

"Hi!"

"And what's your name, yo?" I immediately asked.

He eagerly answered me. "Uh, my name is… uh… uh…"

My eagerness was immediately erased as soon as I noticed that he was petrified, with icky saliva drooping from his wide open mouth. It's frickin' gross indeed, a lot more gross than Ruriko's runny nose or a poisonous snake on _sensei _Onizuka's, uh… I think Anko knows all about it.

I can't stand it anymore; I have to do something. Or, somehow, Kagome could do the job for me. I picked up my mobile phone and called the banker.

"Hey, Reno, banker's here! What's up?" he said.

"I would like to request Miss Kagome Higurashi to come back here to the studio… and please tell her to bring along that Inu-Yasha guy here."

"Of course, Reno! As you said it!" He cut off the connection afterwards.

About fifteen seconds later, Kagome, along with a punk-lookin' Inu-Yasha, in a black leather jacket, dark blue denim jeans, army boots and a pair of Rei-Gun sunglasses , came to our podium.

"Kagome-chan, we're glad you're both here!" said Dita.

"The banker called us up!" replied Kagome.

"Nah, what in the world am I doing here?" Inu-Yasha said.

I immediately stated the reason… "If it's okay for you, Mister Inu-Yasha, I would like to borrow that mystic necklace of yours for a minute, just for emergency."

He immediately agreed. "Well, of course, Reno! I'm tired of Kagome using this torture device against me all the while!"

Inu-Yasha immediately took off the necklace from his neck and handed it over to me. In turn, I placed it on the still petrified creature's neck. Upon doing so, I turned to Kagome and told her, with a thumb up, "Now, say it!"

She immediately responded with her catchphrase… "Sit, boy!"

As soon as she said that, the pink creature fell flat on his face, simply saying one word…

"Patrick…"

"So, Patrick is his name, I see…" I said to myself.

Right after that, that Inu-Yasha guy took his necklace off the fallen starfish. Afterwards, he and Kagome waved goodbye to Dita before walking towards the exit. Well, all I could say is good luck for their pursuit against Sesshoumaru.

Back to our underwater guests, the third and final creature didn't hesitate to introduce himself as soon as Patrick's lying face flat. He's bluish in color, bald-headed (like the banker) and had six tentacles; he's close to being a look alike of those Mars People, those squid-looking aliens fought by the heroes Marco Rossi and Tarma Roving III.

The bluish bald creature first bowed down gallantly – once again, like Lee Chaolan – and began his somewhat poet-like introduction.

"Hi, I am Squidward Tentacles – although I am actually an octopus – and I can play a clarinet with expertise."

By simply listening to his voice, I knew that even Squidward's (or Edward's) raspy voice doesn't make him rightful enough to play any blues or jazz music. Let alone his tone's likeness to a steam-powered train on full volume.

Gladly that was all of them. One more talking sea creature and I'll have a tempura-related nightmare tonight.

Turning towards Eugene, I asked him.

"So, shall start the round right now?"

I knew he was eager to open the next cases – he said "Aye, of course!" like a pirate – and so I said those words…

"If that's so, then choose four briefcases!"


	13. Four in a Row

CHAPTER 10

CHAPTER 10

For the first time on tonight's game, Eugene asked for help.

Towards Bob he said, "Spongebob, me boy, which case would you like me to open?"

At once Bob stood up with an index finger in the air, saying his choice with confidence, "Aye, sir, I choose number 8!"

"You accept his choice, Eugene?" I asked the red crab.

"Aye, of course, I have full trust in him!"

Very well then! Shoujo #8… oh my mama, this is one great fanfare among our teenage male audience! Whoa, cute face, silky brown hair… and huge (possibly Cup C) breasts! Oh yeah, she's Miss Naru Narusegawa from the Hinata Inn, and, for sure, she makes the male audiences go wild with amazement over her extra-large posterior. Seems like Keitaro's in for a huge competition against all these guys!

Nah, her breasts are oh so distracting to my concentration, and so I shook my head until I was fine. Right away then, I said those familiar words.

"_Number 8! Naru! Open the briefcase!!"_

Naru unlocked her case in the same way she undoes the clasps of her own… what the heck! Wait a sec, Reno, don't think about such silly things! She's one of your co-workers in this show! And besides, she has already reserved herself for Keitaro-san!

Back to the game, the amount says…

"Twenty-five thousand gil! Not bad, I must say, Eugene!" I said out loud, exciting the audience as well as our dear contestant and his cronies.

As soon as the cheers dissipated, Edward stood up and volunteered to choose the next case.

"Ah… I choose number 23, Mister Krabs! Ehe! Ehe!"

Oh, crap! What the heck in the world was that laugh? Oh anyway…

Shoujo #23… whoa, it's Edward's lucky night tonight! Simply beautiful short golden brown hair, I see. Aha! It's Miss Hitomi Kanzaki, whose smile radiates into the hearts of those who have faith in their decisions – one of them being Eugene himself.

Time to see the amount, and so I said those words again.

"_Number 23! Hitomi! Open the briefcase!!"_

_I really hope that Hitomi's case brings out good luck_, I said to myself as she opened her case as carefully as if shuffling a full deck of tarot cards. Then, like drawing one card, she gradually revealed her case's contents.

It's good luck, indeed!

"Five thousand gil!!" I said with enthusiasm, triggering a louder applause from the audience. As for Eugene, his grin shone against the white light.

When the audience went silent once more, Edward began choosing the third case for this round. After a bit of dilly-dallying, he spoke…

"Ah! Briefcase number 10!"

Shoujo #10… so far, she's (in my opinion) the most mysterious among the entire Shoujo 26. She, no other than Miss Reverie Metherlence – or "Ren", as we simply call her – is beautiful indeed – her flowing blue hair and her innocent blue eyes sure endear guys toward her from time to time. What adds to her mysteriousness is, well, her not speaking very often – as Cou van Giruet told me months ago, "Just don't talk with her too much; else she'll get upset." Well, I respect that!

Man, she's so pretty, indeed!

"_Number 10! Ren! Open the briefcase!!"_

I don't know what to say, but surely Ren opened her case with a mild stroke on both hatches. I guess this is what Cou meant back then by his words – "She's as light as a feather". But anyway, the contents of her case are lighter enough to consider.

"One hundred gil!" I said.

"Small money!" Eugene said.

Ren left the studio the way Rukia did earlier: eyes sweetly closed. She's definitely one lovely girl with an attitude. The audience, meanwhile, cheered out loud – a few for Eugene, mostly for this "mysterious" Shoujo in person – they all constantly call out either "Reverie" or "Ren" with great enthusiasm. Wow, she sure has some sort of fan base everywhere!

As for Eugene, he immediately stated his next choice.

"Ar! Briefcase number 20!"

Shoujo #20… ah, it's her, the beautifully creepy Miss Ray Kasugano. Beautifully creepy, as in she's the fairest among the Shoujo 26, coupled by long, black straight hair that when placed in front of her face makes her a lot like Sadako Yamamura (oh, I hate that creep whenever she crawls out of the television!). Plus her implanted eyes make her gaze somewhat of a scare on certain occasions (the reason why, strangely, Vincent "da Zombie Guy" admires her).

Oh, I'm making a scare outta myself; gotta shake it off! Thank God I managed to do so!

Now, the words…

"_Number 20! Ray! Open the briefcase!!"_

Swift as Keiichiro Washizuka, Ray drew out a scalpel (what the heck is a surgical tool doing here…) and managed to open her briefcase with a single swipe – all without removing her gaze from Eugene.

Her gaze, as it would often, was that of doom for the contestant.

"One million gil!" I said. "Now, that's just plain bad!"

Right at that moment, Eugene freaked out and sobbed like a Belgian fountain.

"Oh no… One million… What happened…" he said in an almost unintelligible manner.

The audience was in great shock; Ray simply walked off as if a surgery was done and no further treatment was needed.

While in the midst of the turmoil, my mobile phone rang once again; I picked it up and answered it.


End file.
